An Important Backstory

Those were the last days of my first semester, and one of my professors initiated a group competition. 

The competition was to search for a dataset online, identify a business idea in it, solve and optimize it using Machine Learning algorithms and finally give a presentation (a week later) to a panel (which include a couple of Professors and people from industry as well). 

Even before this final group competition, we had weekly "group" assignments. I was allocated (by the professor) to a group at random because I neither initiated a group nor joined one despite people approaching me. (I don't know why I preferred it to be random). So, my group(for the final competition) was formed much before the competition.

All my groupmates had different priorities in their life and were not genuinely interested in solving the group assignments. So, I had to solve them on my own. I initially felt it was a burden, but very soon realized it was indeed a great opportunity to improve my skill. The assignments could, in fact, be solved by individuals; there was no need for a group. The best part of my group was that there was absolutely no interference from anyone. I was free to do anything. 

As usual, I worked on the final competition alone. I encountered many obstacles along the way, but I overcame them eventually. 

I gave the presentation on the final day and felt good about it. I answered all the questions by the panel and even sensed a subtle vibe that the panel were impressed. So, I was confident about winning it.

Previously (few days before the presentation), I discussed my project and my approach with one of my seniors, and he said he was pretty impressed with it. The day after the presentation, I bumped into him again (at random). He(who is in the good books of one of the professors in the panel) told me that the professor was very much impressed with one of the presentations. 

My mind started attaching causality to these events- 1) that my senior was impressed by my presentation, and 2) that the professor was very impressed with one of the presentations. 3) I confidently answered all the questions asked by the panel during the presentation. 

So, I was very confident that I was going to be the winner.

RESULTS:

On the day the results were announced, I was at a college bus stop with two guys(from the same course as mine) and a girl (a random acquaintance from a different course).

I didn't know that the results were announced.

One of the guys asked me- " Hey, are you from XX group who won the competition?"

I replied-"No."

My heart sank, and my body became cold. I understood that I didn't win the competition. I don't remember the subsequent conversation, but I could recall that my voice choked while answering, and I struggled to sound normal. 

In the background, I was talking to myself with rational arguments like- "That's OK.", "This is just a competition.", " Why do you worry?", "You have enjoyed the process", "The panel was impressed, right? You saw it", "This is temporary. You know that." and so on.

But my mind was not listening. It was creating new questions like - "Did you find out who won the competition?", "Where did you go wrong?", "Did you re-check the name of the winning group? Perhaps, it was yours. Go check once.",  " Did you perform well?" ,  "Maybe you did not perform as well as you think you did?" and so on. 

My mind was trying to pull me into the vortex of sadness. 

Then the girl beside me smiled and said - "Don't worry. This is just a competition."

I said: "Hey, I am not worrying."

She: "I could see it on your face."

That hit me very, very hard. 

I was not thinking of the competition anymore. Now my mind drifted to thoughts like "How could I be so obvious to people around me?" and "How to hide my emotions?" 

My rational mind knew that it was a temporary phase, and I was definitely going to overcome it. Yet, at that moment, the mind was not listening to logic. 

I couldn't take this. 

More than the failure, the fact that the failure AFFECTED me troubled me deeply. 

I realized at that moment that- "Both Success and Failure can affect me." and I should do something about it.

That's when I realized that it is not Happiness that matters. It is the EQUANIMITY- the wisdom to not get affected by anything- both good and bad. Not by pretending it. But by living it Naturally. Organically. Without any effort.

Is such a thing even possible? 

I didn't know. 

But I hadn't stopped there. 

After coming home, I watched some videos and looked up some books. Nothing satisfied me. 

Then I re-read the book- "ATMAMUN- The path to achieving the Bliss of Himalayan Swamis. And the freedom of a living GOD." by Kapil Gupta. 

I don't remember when I first read it. However, I could remember reading it non-stop the first time I did because it rarely happens to me. The first time it happened was when I read Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. 

It used to be a habit for me to eventually go to Ayn Rand's books or videos whenever I felt a little down. Somehow, something in her work always makes sense to me. But I wonder why I read Kapil's book this time. Surprisingly, both were different books altogether(?)

I even listened to some of Kapil's audio online and felt that this guy was talking real sense. However, my monkey mind browsed for his details to find out he was a business consultant. It constructed arguments like- "He may not be genuine.", "He may be doing it for money.",  "It may be a trick to woo people.", "How can a business consultant say things like these." and so on.

But one thing is certain: " Somewhere deep within, what he was talking about made sense to me."

Anyway, after that, I got busy with my life. 

Then the winter break. 

(If there has to be one book I recommend to anyone who is genuine and hungry for answers, it would be this book. Not because it has answers. It's precisely because it has no answers.)